How to Ruin Everything


The Interview:

1) Show up looking like you live out of your glovebox
2) Mention how you really want to write sitcoms someday, and that you thought reality would be something to bide your time with until your big break
3) Lie about using software you’re unfamiliar with
4) Lie about your credits
5) Give your real credits but paint an inaccurate picture of the scope of your responsibilities on past shows
6) Give references who don’t know you’re planning to use them as references
7) Know nothing about the company you’re applying to or any of their past projects
8 ) Finish your interviewer’s sentences
9) Ratchet up your energy level to seem impossibly animated, lively and fun
10) Let calls from unknown numbers roll to voicemail for days after your interview

The negotiation:

1) Bluff with the old “I have another offer pending at (exorbitant make-believe rate)”
2) Accept a rate you know you’ll be miserable at
3) Sign your deal memo without reviewing it carefully
4) Fail to disclose that you’re planning to go on a family vacation to Bermuda for two weeks near the beginning of production
5) Ask how many paid sick days you’ll get, just to be sure you can later take them all as beach days, returning each time with an inexplicable “flu sunburn”
6) Make special requests that would make writers of backstage concert riders for 80’s bands blush

The job:

1) Bring your dog/cat/iguana/parrot to work every day
2) Argue with everyone about how restricted you are by the format or vision already established for the show by the EPs
3) Arrive at least 20 minutes late every day and ALWAYS claim it’s due to a circumstance beyond your control, like traffic
4) Intentionally slow down near the end of your contract in hopes they’ll need you to stick around longer to complete the project
5) Badmouth everyone to everyone else, and ensure that you are the protagonist in every workplace disagreement story
6) Argue, without exception, every note given to you by the EPs and Network
7) Regularly post Facebook updates about what’s happening in the footage you reviewed that day or personal anecdotes from set
8 ) Spend the last two weeks of your job complaining that you haven’t been hired on to anything else yet and theorizing wildly that someone at the company is against you because no one’s told you about other projects coming down the pike
9) Don’t save a copy of your crew contact sheet
10) Complain about things but never offer a solution

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